OZ-BUS REVIEW FROM THE LAST TRIP

I have been finding it difficult to explain exactly what my three month trip overland from London to New York starting 26th March will consist of and I think that this review gives a beautifully descriptive narative of last year's journey. Rob, the author, loved it so much that he now works for the Oz-Bus Company.

http://clients.enablermail.com/el/newsletter/index.cfm?tID=2624&enablerchid=Oi4iTTM1IS5OSiBOQichT0wnN0ooIAo=

Unfortunately the minimum numbers haven't been reached yet so it might be called off and I'm not sure if the Royal Wedding bang smack in the middle is going to help. Personally I think that I would love to be in England to soak up the inevitable feelings of good will and well being. I'm a sucker for a marching band so how much better is a grand wedding? I love all that pomp and circumstance. But to "think that one through" I guess there will be massive TV coverage all over the world and I will be watching the wedding with my new friends.

In the meantime, I am optimistically having more booster vaccinations tomorrow. When I have finished this course I will be "good to go" pretty well anywhere in the world! So watch out, here I come.

...and finally, I recently had this is a conversation with my 8 year old grandson.

"How old are you nanny"

"70"

"You aren't in very good shape for a 70 year old are you nanny?"

Thinking, ah! sweet child, he doesn't know what a 70 year old should look like.

"So, Taylor, what makes you say that?"

"Because my grandad is 70 in January and he's in much better shape than you".

He is a very literal child! His parents were doing their best to block him off at the pass by changing the subject and trying to reason with him, but he would not let the subject drop. WHATEVER! Out of the mouths of children!

DON'T WATCH THIS ON A FULL STOMACH

This is a lesson in how to avoid workplace conflicts and replace it with sheer terror. Today's challenge is to stick with it until they reach the top!

http://www.liveleak.com/e/f2d_1284588370

AND WHAT IF YOU DON'T PRAY?

This was sent to me by my good friend DogLover. When I read it I laughed until I cried. The challenge is to read this without wetting yourself.

I'VE JUST READ YOUR BLOG! HERE ARE SOME DARES FOR NON-GOD-BOTHERERS:

ONE POINT FOR EACH OF THESE

1. Ignore the first five people who say 'good morning' to you.

2. To signal the end of a conversation, clamp your hands over your ears

3. Leave your fly open for one hour. If anyone points it out, say "Sorry, I really prefer it this way".

4. Walk sideways to the photocopier.

5. While riding in a lift, gasp dramatically every time the doors open.

6. When in the lift with one other person, tap them on the shoulder and pretend it wasn't you.

7. Finish all your sentences with "In accordance with the prophecy...

8. Don't use any punctuation.

9. Interrupt your conversation with someone by giving a huge dejected sigh.

10. Use your highlighter pen on the computer screen.


THREE-POINT DARES

1. Say to your boss, "I like your style", wink, and shoot him with double-barrelled fingers.

2. Kneel in front of the water cooler and drink directly from the nozzle.

3. Shout random numbers while someone is counting.

4. Every time you get an email, shout ''email''.

5. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has got over his or her caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

6. Keep hole punching your finger. Each time you do, shout,"dagnamit, it's happened again!". Then do it again.

7. Introduce yourself to a new colleague as "the office bicycle". Then wink and pout.

8. Call I.T. helpdesk and tell them that you can't seem to access any por*ngraphy web sites.


FIVE-POINT DARES

1. At the end of a meeting, suggest that, for once, it would be nice to conclude with the singing of the national anthem (extra points if you actually launch into it yourself).

2. Walk into a very busy person's office and while they watch you with growing irritation, turn the light switch on/off 10 times.

3. For an hour, refer to everyone you speak to as "Dave".

4. Announce to everyone in a meeting that you "really have to go do a number two".

5. When you've picked up a call, before speaking finish off some fake conversation with the words, ''she can abort it for all I care''.

6. After every sentence, say 'Mon' in a really bad Jamaican accent. As in: "The report's on your desk, Mon." Keep this up for one hour.

7. In a meeting or crowded situation, slap your forehead repeatedly and mutter, "Shut up, damn it, all of you just shut up!"

8. Repeat the following conversation 10 times to the same person: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now."

9. Present meeting attendees with a cup of coffee and biscuit; smash each biscuit with your fist.

10. During the course of a meeting, slowly edge your chair towards the door.

11. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.

12. Ask people what s...ex they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer.

13. While a colleague is writing, grab their pen and throw it out of the nearest open window.

THIS CAME FROM MY NEPHEW, WHO WAS CLEARLY HAVING A BAD DAY! SOMEONE HAD SENT IT TO HIM.

Hi, this is me speaking again now. The worrying thing is that everyone that read this says that it's me! To do list: remind me to sack a few people.

.......and finally. 69 year old Manchester United boss Sir Alex Ferguson has reiterated his desire to remain in management for the foreseeable future.

Retirement is for young people," said the Scot "I'm too old to retire. I would have nothing to do. As long as my health is in good condition I will carry on. My family will make this decision."

Good for him. He must have absolute faith in his family. My problem is that the family members and colleagues that I work with are desperate for me to retire PROPERLY, instead of CLAIMING to retire and then(as they see it)interfer in every g@+$*~m thing they do. This thinking is flawed. They will regret it when the time comes that they aren't able to draw on my valued experience and advice!

HOW CAN YOU TELL IF YOU NEED TO PRAY AT WORK?

THIS is how you can tell!

If you have ever thought about poisoning, choking, punching or slapping someone that you work with - you need to pray at work.

When you hear a co-worker call your name and the first thing that crosses your mind is "what does h@*^ does she want now?" and you try to hide under your desk - you need to pray at work.

When someone comes in and announces "Office meeting in 5 minutes" and you think "what the f*$~ do they want now?" - you need to pray at work.

When you take some vacation time and when you come back you come find a mountain of paperwork on your desk because no one else would do it and you think "sorry a## M#X% F<<*" - you need to pray at work.

If you avoid saying "hello" or "how you doing?" to someone because you know that it's going to lead to their whole f*^@@~# life story - you need to pray at work.

When a co-worker comes in a little too happy singing "good morning" to everyone and you think "someone needs to slap the s#^t out of her" - you need to pray at work.

When you computer is mysteriously turned off and you want to say "which one of you sons of b*%@~s turned off my computer" - you need to pray at work.

When you're in the lift and it stops to pick up someone who stood for 5 minutes for the darn thing only to go DOWN one floor and you think "that lazy b&"$@+~d" - you need to pray at work.

If you know all the words that have been bleeped out - you DEFINITELY need to pray at work.

Let us all bow our heads.

Lord, please forgive me as I repeat all the bad words in this post; and please forgive the person that sent it to me, for they also knew all the words! And please forgive the people that are reading this, for I'm sure that they know what the words mean too. Amen.

LIONS & TIGERS VERSUS RABBITS

Years ago I was told by a very wise lady that it's not the lions and tigers that get you, it's the rabbits that'll kick you to death.

Since Davy died last Christmas my rabbits are things like having to deal with light bulbs that fuse solidly and can't be removed, light sockets that refuse to grip a replacement bulb, light bulbs that need replacing but are too incomprehensable to understand, short-outs that cause electric clocks, boiler timers and security alarms to need resetting. Grrrr.

I had anticipated the lions and tigers, but I can testify that this lady's words were absolutely correct, the rabbits are the real baddies.

On Sunday I read an interview with Neil Diamond in which he said that he was looking for someone to settle down with. Well I'm here Neil, ready, willing and able, but with one proviso, you must have a good DIY skills with a particular emphasis in the electrical department.

QUANTITATIVE EASING

Today the USA has announced that it is going to pump another $600B into the system, commonly known as quantitative easing. That's the equivalent of burning $1M a every single day since the time of Attila the Hun in the 5th Century. This is to be added to the $1.75 trillion that has already been printed. These are huge numbers. Two words come to mind. Bloody hell. Literally.

And here we have councils adhering to government directives to reduce spending by cutting road repairs and shutting down child care facilities. Two thoughts come to mine. The American Tea Party Movement and Parkinson's Law. Help! We need to sort these bastards out now before they reach the tipping point of no return.

DEMONS OR ANGELS?

Here are five of my little angels. As you have probably guessed, this is not their usual garb. Four are dressed for Halloween. The one on the right won a competition at the school party for being the scariest but I think they would all frighten the s..t out of me on a dark night. Except for the baby of course. He is just adorable.