TO GOOGLE OR NOT TO GOOGLE, THAT IS THE QUESTION

Me? I prefer to Google. It’s a matter of preference. Do you take the word of the doctors, or do you keep them honest and frighten yourself shitless reading stuff that is incomprehensible. You know which one I opt for!

Our GP somewhat jumped the gun this week by giving us the results of the “bucket test”. In essence it said that 2 of the 6 lymph nodes removed tested positive and OG should now be considered for chemo. At the end of the report the consultant had added “Mr Cordner is currently unaware of the outcome of the histology”. I immediately Googled (as you do) and then rang the Uro-oncology Nurse Practitioner at Addenbrookes to ask if we could meet up with the consultant when OG was over there for plumbing adjustments this weekend.

That evening I was dozily watching TV when the ‘phone rang. It was “THE PLUMBER OF ADDENBROOKES”. I immediately found myself sitting to attention. God himself ringing me at 9.15 pm, this must be important. “Hello Mrs Cordner. Sarah said that your GP told you the outcome of the histology. Mrs. Cordner, I am so sorry, this shouldn’t have happened. I can’t apologise to you enough. Can I meet up with you and Mr Cordner tomorrow afternoon and I’ll go over it with you.”

Next afternoon saw him and his colleague perched on the edge of OG’s hospital bed explaining that if the nodes had been unaffected there would have been a 60/80% chance of being free of cancer after 5 years, now the odds had been reduced to 30/60%. He said that the next step would be to get OG over this operation and then hand him over to the Oncologist who would have his kidneys tested again and re-assess him for chemo.

The Plumber is a big affable, charismatic Belfast man who gave us this bad news in such a positive way that somehow it didn’t seem too bad at all. I can understand why he wanted to tell us himself. He must go home at night and think “God, I’m good”.

A slightly surreal moment was when OG told him that he had started our house renovation work as a retirement project and asked if he would be able to continue with it. He said “there is nothing to stop you, what are you doing?” OG explained the extent of it and then said “….and after that I want to build a swimming pool”. At this the consultant became really animated and the conversation switched to JCB’s. When he heard that OG has his own JCB and dumper truck I thought he was going to have an orgasm. They were in boy heaven together discussing the fun of driving sodding JCBs. Can you believe that?

Even more surreal, as all this was going on I found myself gazing at this George Clooney impersonator, slightly sweaty from his efforts to save another life, dressed in his operation blues with the V-neck allowing me a tantalising peek at his hairy chest, and slightly swooning. As the book says, we surely are from different planets.

So…. OG has many, many hills to climb - one day and one step at a time. The challenge this weekend centring around his nether region. As you would expect, since the operation his plumbing has been all over the place. His No.2 would not work and his No.1 was on automatic pilot. Yesterday they removed the automatic pilot. Now his No.1 is misbehaving, but thankfully his No.2 is perfect!

RAIN, WIMBLEDON AND HOUSE BUILDERS

This must be July, it’s raining again.

I sit here in my office eyrie, watching the builders hauling a steel girder onto our dumper truck. Thereby hangs a tale.

My husband, the ex-builder, had an unrequited youthful yearning to own a hardware store. Now that he is a grown up I have a theory that this youthful obsession has metamorphosised itself into an unhealthy obsession with acquiring expensive construction accoutrements and needless girders.

This obsession became a full blown addiction when he built our offices. He NEEDED a JCB. The market, he assured me, was good for re-selling at a profit. OK, I went along with that. Then he NEEDED a dumper truck. The market, he assured me, was good for re-selling at a profit. OK, I went along with that too. He NEEDED construction strength (for that read multiple purchases for shit loads of money) cement mixers, sanders, electric saws, towers, theodolites, levels, trowels, barrows, buckets, shovels, etc. etc. Get the drift?

So what happened? The JCB and dumper are too handy to sell and the expensive tools have mainly been stolen by various drug-fuelled yobs prowling around in the middle of the night.

The girder is a wild purchase years ago. We NEEDED a girder. One day it would come in handy. Well today, strangely enough, both the dumper truck and the girder came in handy, so his forward planning has been vindicated again.
Am I destined never to win and argument? Piss him, I’m off to watch Wimbledon being rain off again. This, after all, July!