HOW AM I?

It occurred to me that when Davy was ill he knew everyone needed to be kept informed. He was too ill to speak to anyone and encouraged me to pass information on through this blog, which I did. The one thing that I found difficult was writing about was how I was coping. I don't find it easy to speak of my own emotional pain. In a situation like this Davy would say "If you don't speak, I can't see you". One of his many, many wise sayings. So here I go - I speak.

Concerned friends and colleagues ask how I am and, naturally, I say "fine". I actually am fine most of the time. I have built up "coping mechanisms" throughout difficult periods in life and this has helped me now.

But every so often pain gets under the radar. An example - "Last of the Summer Wine", one of our longest running TV sitcoms. It's a charming, gentle tale of friendship between aging men who behave like naughty young boys, getting into difficult situations as the result of their endless curiosity. It was one of Davy's favourite programmes.

I wasn't particularly interested in it, but used to love hearing Davy laugh out loud watching their mad behaviour. It seemed to release the little boy within. This helped me to "see Davy" who didn't normally "belly laugh".

Recently there has been much talk of the series coming to an end. The "coping me" thought "sad, but hey! it's inevitable. All things have to come to an end".

So...this morning the inevitable happened - after nearly 40 years the final episode is scheduled for this Sunday and it is now a news item. Without warning Breakfast TV played the signature tune. Under the radar! Hearing that music bought memories flooding back again and I had a massive physical pain in the pit of my stomoch. I "felt" the mellow Sunday evenings when we would sit in quiet companionship, side by side, him enjoying the programme, me enjoying him. We thought it would never end, but inevitabley it did.

I have been preparing myself for the fact that today is our wedding aniversary and I was OK, but hearing the signature tune of that programme made me come unglued. Now isn't that odd?

So, how am I? Fine, I get through most days with interest, hope and optimism, enjoying life in the way that Davy taught me, but every now and then something gets under the radar to stick that red hot poker into the pit of my stomoch.