THE BIRD MYSTERY SOLVED

He had crept in out of the cold through the cracked open bedroom window, out of the open bedroom door, onto the privacy of the landing and hunkered down, thanking his lucky stars that he had found this haven of peace away from the raging gale.

Next morning the house slowly stirred awake, but he remained hidden, not yet ready to face the dying force of the mighty storm.

The mistress of the house walked by without spotting him returning some minutes later with two mugs of steaming coffee. Yuck, why do these humans imbibe such noxious, evil smelling substances.

The bedroom door closed and there were sounds of the TV being switched on. Soon came this almighty sound of the mistress swearing and shouting at Breakfast TV. Time to get to fuck out of here and away from that mad woman! .

MORE - ECONOMIC MODELS EXPLAINED WITH COWS - 2008 UPDATE

Two cows had escaped and were kindly rounded up by our good friend DogLover.

They were ENTERPRISE COWS

You have two cows. You feed them up and try to sell them, but the market has turned against you and you get less than they've cost you.

So you move to the next field, set up a hotel company, hand it over to relatives to run, get bored and then you have to start a blog to provide you with something to do.

DEFINITELY – THE END (Unless there are any more cows are wandering about out there!!)

OE DAY 2 – ISTANBUL

Today was the start of the “Grand Tour”. Up and onto the coach by 8.30 for a full day whistle stop tour of the Blue Mosque, Topkapi Palace, Haghia Sophia, the Spice Market (where we had lunch) and the Grand Bazaar. Whew, too much culture in one day.

First stop The Blue Mosque named after the blue Iznic tiles that adorn the walls and ceiling. Our guide told us that an identical tile was sold at Christie’s Auction in London for many thousands of £’s. Although I had read up on the mosque nothing had prepared me for its scale and grandure. The area in front of the mosque had been an ancient massive Hippadrome. They certainly knew how to strut their stuff in those days.

The guide was the same guy that had escorted us from the airport and was the best guide of the whole trip. In fact the best guide of any trip that I have ever been on (others said the same). He has a knack of encouraging everyone to participate in his commentary, and does not shy away from contentious issues like terrorism and the 72 virgins.

His take is that the Koran certainly does not condone suicide bombers and the 72 virgins came from a story about a bridge-groom who was killed in battle on the eve of his wedding. Mohammad is reputed to have told his family not to grieve because there was an even better life waiting for him on the other side. My question, do 72 virgins make for a better life? What about 71 virgins and a whore, or better still 72 whoes? Wouldn’t that be more like man heaven?

In the Blue Mosque someone in our group asked him if Moslems tithe money like some Christians do. He said that in Turkey they are expected to tithe 2.5% of their annual income first to a needy relative (not to parents because they should be taken care of anyway), then a neighbour up to four doors away, then the town, country, world. This seemed like a good plan. If only the world could be this place there would surely be no troubles. Where are things going wrong?

Another person said “are arranged marriages still common in Turkey and was yours an arranged marriage?” “Yes, 70% of marriages are still arranged and yes, my mother did arrange mine and she made an excellent choice” “do you have children?” “not yet, but if my wife isn’t pregnant by the end of the year I’m in big trouble”. He said he was 39 and due to retire in a couple of years. Turkish people retire at 42? He a) didn’t look 39 and b) was too “fit” (and I mean that in the modern way, like really fanciable!) to be a retiree.

Lunch was in an authentic Turkish restaurant and was absolutely delicious. I even tried Turkish coffee and enjoyed it. It seemed fitting to completely immerse myself in the culture. It was a truly fascinating and exhausting day.