OFF TO THE ALPS

I have left everything until the last minute, as usual. How does this wretched device work? I should have tested my memory yesterday. Instead here I am, waiting for my lift to the station, wrestling with my BlackBerry blog download. If I can get the hang of it again I'll post, if not I can probably get online at the hotel.

Goodbye desk. See you again in a couple of weeks! Au revoir xx

Sent using BlackBerry® from Orange

BOYS CAN WEAR PINK, CAN'T THEY?

I love this, and how true it is!

BIRTH ORDER OF CHILDREN
1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your doctor confirms your pregnancy. 2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.
3rd baby: Your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes.

Preparing for the Birth:
1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously.
2nd baby: You don't bother because you remember that last time breathing didn't do a thing. 3rd baby : You ask for an epidural in your eighth month.

The Layette :
1st baby: You pre-wash newborn's clothes, color coordinate them, and fold them neatly in the baby's little bureau.
2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard only the ones with the darkest stains.
3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can't they?

Worries:
1st baby: At the first sign of distress--a whimper, a frown--you pick up the baby.
2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wake your firstborn.
3rd baby: You teach your three-year-old how to rewind the mechanical swing.

Dummy:
1st baby: If the dummy falls on the floor, you put it away until you can go home and wash and boil it.
2nd baby: When the dummy falls on the floor, you squirt it off with some juice from the baby's bottle.
3rd baby: You wipe it off on your shirt and pop it back in.

Nappies:
1st baby: You change your baby's nappy every hour, whether they need it or not.
2nd baby: You change their nappy every two to three hours, if needed.
3rd baby: You try to change their nappy before others start to complain about the smell or you see it sagging to their knees.

Activities:
1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swing, and Baby Story Hour.
2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.
3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry cleaner.

Going Out:
1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call home five times.
2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a number where you can be reached.
3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees blood.

At Home:
1st baby : You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby.
2nd baby: You spend a bit of everyday watching to be sure your older child isn't squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby.
3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children.

Swallowing Coins:
1st child: You rush the child to the hospital and demand x-rays.
2nd child: You carefully watch for the coin to pass.
3rd child: You deduct it from his pocket money.

GRANDCHILDREN: God's reward for allowing your children to live!

DAVY'S GARDEN

This is our next project. When Davy built our offices this land was left unattended. He had quite gransiose plans for it but when he was ill he lost his mojo and wouldn't let us plan it for him.

Consequently it has been a terrible eyesore for the last couple of years and not a very appealing sight right in front of our beautiful offices.


We now plan to make it his memorial garden with a water feature and benches where anyone can rest awhile and contemplate the universe, eat lunch or whatever.


We got off to an inauspicious start when the neighbour complained that the digger had damaged his wire fence. He came storming into our office with his wife and started shouting his mouth off, but we managed to calm him down when it was explained it had actually been deliberately cut at some time, probably by the ragtag druggies that stole Davy's bike from our garage. We commiserated on the appauling state of crime in this country and he left the very best of friends, well maybe not quite, but at least friendlier.


I should probably add that when I say "our next project" it is actually the project of the kind and able people that populate the office together with the practical assistance of our gardener and our maintenance man. I shall not be getting my hands dirty. Gardens are to admire, not to sweat in.


We are now wondering what to call this garden. Some wag suggested we call it "Fuckwit Corner" because Davy absolutely loved this word and would occasionally be known to use it but I think that we should be able to conjour up something a tad more suitable.


And finally ......Apple announced today that it has developed a breast implant that can store and play music. The iTit will cost from $499 to $699, depending on cup and speaker size.. This is considered a major social breakthrough, because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

THE STORY OF TWO CONTRIBUTORS

The first contributor is Lord Ashcroft, a multi-millionaire businessman who resided and paid taxes in the "tax haven" of Belize. He is currently Deputy Chairman of the Conservative Party & Member of the Party Board and a major contributor .

This story is far from over yet but it is reported that, amoung other things, to gain a Peerage in 2000 he had to "rationalise" the fact that he was classed as a non-dom. It is claimed that in negotiations with the Conservative Party it was agreed that he would become a UK resident. But, it transpired, he continued to use Belize as a tax shelter. Tut tut. What could the man have been thinking of. Fancy. He didn't want to pour his hard earned money into the Gordon Brown black pit of dispair and bankrupcy.

Now this is the question, were the Conservative Party leaders aware that ? I should say without a doubt, but they refused to confirm this when asked. I sometimes wonder at the intelligence of our politicians. No, scrap that last remark, they are all most definately daft. Or as Orson Wells once said "only very intelligent people don't wish they were in politics".

One of my questions about this murky affair is were the Labour Party completely unaware of his non-dom status and, as Government of the day, if not why not?

My second story is about Unite Union who have contributed £11M to the Labour Party and are now trying to bankrupt one of this countries major companies, British Airways. They are now attempting to draw the Teamster Union into the dispute by lobbying that BA planes should be barred from landing in the US during the impending stike.

Unite has poured more than £460,000 into 148 Labour constituencies around the country. The cash is helping fund the election campaigns of 90 Labour MPs and 58 of the Party's candidates.

On top of that, 110 Labour MPs and 59 of its candidates are fully signed-up members of the union. Read more: http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/news/2895689/Half-the-Cabinet-are-paid-by-Unite.html#ixzz0ibfBmKqb. Now that IS murky.

DogLover challenged me to name an inane remark made on TV. OK, I admit I struggle, but I think that the Mandelson rant yesterday came close when he want on about David Cameron not dealing with this sooner. Dah! We know that, but why is the Labour Party not dealing with the several non-doms contributing to their pary? Come on Mandleson don't you have the "backbone or bottle" to face up to your own Party's pending disaster?

And finally .... A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split. The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?' 'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis'.

THE HOUSE GAINS SANITY

We started a huge house renovation when Davy was alive which included adding a "Holywood" bedroom with spiral staircase to an attic dressing room, knocking down a wall between the kitchen and small bedroom to make a wonderfull kitchen/family room, moving a staircase, ripping out all the false beams and fireplace in the living room, and finally sub-dividing our original bedroom into two with ensuite bathrooms. The tragedy is that he didn't live to see the finished job which occured a couple of weeks ago.

Complicated I know, but the extra room has made such a massive difference in the household. It feels as though we can all breath again. The girls now have their own rooms where, instead of constantly bickering and keeping each other awake. they read quietly and fall asleep like normal human beings and my baby greatgrandson moved out of my room into their old room where he sleeps undisturbed by my snoring and I sleep undistrubed by his being disturbed, if you know what I mean.

Now I can go back to watching TV in the night when I can't sleep and waking up early with a cup of coffee to shout at yet more inane news and political claptrap. Ah! small pleasures.

A GORDON BROWN LOONY TUNE

Our blessed Prime Minister Gordon Brown recently, in all sincerity, compared himself with other party leaders saying "with me what you see is what you get". For once I wholeheartedly agree with him. What I see is madness and mayhem.

BLOG ON

If you write the numbers from one through to ninety nine you will notice that there is not one "a". Isn't that fascinating.

Talking about fascinating, on Sunday I caught the first of five TV programmes called "Wonders of the Solar System" presented by Brian Cox, Professor of Astronomy. It's being repeated tonight (Tuesday) on BBC2 at 1900, failing that I guess you could catch it on iPlayer. For years Davy had trouble sleeping and I used to read to him. Brian Cox was one of his favourite authors. He is a truly great communicator and the programme is not to be missed.

He used to be a musician, travelled Europe with many rock bands including Thin Lizzy and then decided "I think I'll go to University". He is now 42, good looking and my kinda guy.