Thursday, 3 December 2009


I suppose a hard and fast believer would say that every prayer is answered. But what when that miracle doesn’t happen? Does the believer rationalise and say that we don’t know the mind of God and He has his own plan? I seem to have a foot in both camps at the moment.

I do believe that what happened in the hospital last week had to have been divine intervention. To be in hospital for an elective procedure, to have the right nurse on duty who took it on herself to order up two extra blood tests and rally her junior nurses into action during the crisis and for OG to pull through was not logical. That day he was too ill to move to the High Dependence Unit and the next day he was well enough to have a liver biopsy? Hey come on! As I have said before it could have been a “coincidence”, but I don’t think so.

But that was then and now he is deteriorating again. The GP is of the opinion that he actually has something called paraneoplastic syndrome which is a very rare autoimmune condition similar to Guillain-Barre but caused by cancer.

So where are your miracles now? Why would OG have been spared last Wednesday only to continue suffering? I think that an obstacle to belief in a Higher Power can be intellect. So, maybe now is the time to put my intellect outside the door and become, as instructed by Jesus, child like. Children have a great way of looking at things and, above all, trust. You can look for rational explanations but for sure there has to be some things the we just don’t understand.

Well, I may be rationalising here (and I’m sure that members of my family and some of my friends would say that I am) but OG has an irrational fear of being in hospital and needs me near him all the times and this is now being organised for us by local facilitators.

We have had the offer of help from the Marie Curie Rapid Response Team who work from 1500 to 0700, the District Nursing Team who cover daytime assistance, McMillan Nurses, the St Barnabas Hospice at Home Team if we need them and equipment to make things easier for us. Social Services will supply nursing care to help fill in the gaps if/when we ask for it.

Prior to Wednesday I had been knocking my head against a brick wall trying to get help and suddenly the wall disappeared and help is there in abundance. As my mad friend the Contessa would say, again, Praise be to God.


Anonymous said...

RC , its very difficult to be rationale or logical when faced with someone you love being so ill
All you can do is your best and do what suits OG best , because the more comfortable and settled he feels the more his body can fight
Strange d wonderful things do happen for all sorts of reasons and why question why , just be happy that they do
Hope you are ok

Maggie May said...

I am having to live hour by hour at the moment and am about to undergo aggressive chemotherapy.
I don't suppose it is God's will at all that any of us are sick. Sickness is in the world...... allowed for a while.
We can receive help to overcome/stand up to it.

I am pleased that you have the answer to your prayers.I hope that there is something that the specialists can do to alleviate it for OG. In the meantime we have to be childlike in trust and lose the feeling that WE are in control because we aren't.
It is essential to have people keep praying, as I am losing my ability to do that.... but not my faith.

McMillan Nurses are the best thing since sliced bread and we need to support them anyway we can. In fact we really need to sink our money into fighting this blasted disease.

Best wishes to OG X

Nuts in May

marymaryquitecontrary said...

I have been following your journey with OG each day and you have been in my prayers. It is hard to understand why these things happen. Why there is so much pain in the world. My dear sister is going through the same ordeal. Her husband has just finish 8 months of chemotherapy during which he was so ill. He has now turned the corner and is now feeling so much better. I hope that you dear husband will be blessed in that way soon.

Mare Freeborn said...

Hi R&C! I'm so sorry that you all are having to go thru this especially around the holidays. I guess you just have to count your blessings and give the rest up to the universe. I believe that OG will pull thru just fine. At least you now have a name for what you have to face. You guys are in my thoughts & prayers & will be there until this all gets better. Sending hugs & hope across the ocean.

Mare Freeborn

Retiredandcrazy said...

You are very wise VM, thank you.

Retiredandcrazy said...

I have only one thing to say Maggie, what a bastard. I know that you don't swear and I hope you don't mind me being course, but I can't think of anything else to say.

Our company is a great supporter of McMillan Maggie, in fact one of my colleagues is on the executive committee.

Retiredandcrazy said...

Isn't cancer just the most awful thing Mary Mary? Give your sister my best regards. I hope that things turn out well for her and her husband.

Retiredandcrazy said...

Your hugs and kisses are making me feel so much better Mare. The warmth and love that we are receiving from everyone is unbelievable and very humbling.

Sandi McBride said...

Yes, and with the amount of prayers going out for you and OG, I'm not the least bit surprised at the walls tumbling down...prayers ascending, now as always!

Anonymous said...

Words are inadequate but we are there with you both every step of the way surrounding you with love.
Contessa & and him

rosiero said...

I think you are right that intellect interfers with you accepting there is a Higher Power. That is my problem at the moment. So sorry to hear you are going through this ordeal and hope you both come out safely on the other side soon.

guineapigmum said...

I don't think I do much praying these days but I've certainly been thinking about you both and I hope that counts. I'm really sorry to hear that OG is so ill. I've just read this Patience Strong poem on someone else's blog (you most certainly need a big dose of strong patience at the moment) and though you might appreciate it:

And the blog post:

RNSANE said...

Thank the Lord that you are, at the very least, receiving good nursing care. You have such a burden on your shoulders, dear one, and however you approach it, you are going to need support, faith, sound medical advice, snf lots of love and continued prayers.

I understand OG needs you but you must lean on your support systems, too.

jay said...

What a journey you are on.

So, do they really have a diagnosis this time, or is this another guess? Do you have the result of the liver biopsy yet? Poor OG, and poor you. You must neither of you know what to think.

I'm glad to hear that you now have plenty of help and support, at least. Still thinking of you and sending good and supportive thoughts.


Retiredandcrazy said...

Please keep up the paying Sandi, we are beginning to see things improve.

Retiredandcrazy said...

I feel it Contessa. Enjoy the wedding next week. Your prayers have certainly been answered over the years haven't they?

Retiredandcrazy said...

Al-anon helped me find my higher power Rosiero, but I was very stubborn and it took a long time of "working the steps to the best of my ability" before I had my spiritual awakening despite myself!

Retiredandcrazy said...

I read the poem guineapigmum and I love it. It is so appropriate for our cirumstances and I thank you so much to your concern.

Retiredandcrazy said...

I must admit that I find it hard to ask for help RNSANE, but I am having to learn.

Retiredandcrazy said...

Good supportive thoughts and hugs are much needed Jay. Thank you so much.