A TOTAL NON-STARTER

There are certain age indicators as you go through life and today I realised I had reached another one. I hadn’t realised that I was doing this but every morning I look at my pills to see which day I’m in. Today the pill says “Thursday”. Hurray, nearly to the end of the week and I’m still alive. All I need now is a pill that tells me which month I’m in and a memory to take the pill every morning so that I don’t end up thinking that Monday is a Saturday.

My activity plan for today is to cram as many unusual words as possible into my conversations. The first hurdle is to actually have a conversation. My dear husband is quite deaf and I find myself clearing my throat and wondering how to enunciate my words and phrase my sentences so that I won’t get “I canna hear you” each time I speak.

He accuses me of being like Gengis Khan when I shout and abuse him. I say he is a self-centred son of a bitch who is just not interested in me. I think that I am correct in this assumption because I have noticed that whenever someone else speaks his attention levels are high and, miraculously, he can hear.

So, unusual words…my online dictionary word of the day is Perforce which comes from French par force, "by force." But how would you get that into conversation? The dictionary example is “It will be an astonishing sight, should it come to pass, and even those of us who have followed every twist and turn of this process will perforce rub our eyes”. Eh?

Maybe I ought to have a different plan for the day because this one is obviously a non-starter (I was going to say that this plan is total bollocks, but one of my plans is to stop swearing).

I know. New plan - I will try to upset as many people as possible today. Now that IS an achievable goal. In fact I've already achieved it!